Simple Emotion Regulation Methods – Learning Emotional Self-Healing One of the most common topics that come up and need to be dealt with in the work of counselors and visitors is the topic of emotions.
Emotions are an expression, a signal sent to us by the body, but many of us allow our bodies to receive only positive, positive signals, and do not allow ourselves to receive negative, negative signals, and therefore, reject and fight against our negative emotional experiences.
For example, many people are afraid of their anxious feelings and always try to find ways to fight them, and as a result, they become afraid of their anxiety and anxious about their anxiety.
“Whatever you reject and fight against persists and strengthens.”
Emotions follow this principle as well, and because we don’t accept or allow our negative emotions, the negative emotions are instead reinforced, and our confrontation feeds our negative emotions even more.
Why is it important to embrace negativity?
In addition to the fact that non-acceptance can cause negative emotions to become worse, we also need to understand that all kinds of so-called bad emotions actually have their functions and meanings.
A visitor’s child is going to kindergarten in September this year, because her child is not so physically fit by nature and is prone to fever when she catches a cold. She feels anxious about this, worrying about her child’s separation anxiety, worrying that her child will not be able to adapt to kindergarten life, and worrying that her child will be more prone to getting sick in kindergarten ……
She exerted another self-attack about her anxiety, feeling that she was a mother who was too fragile and anxious, and that this would not be a good influence on her child.
I said to her, “Your anxiety is normal because the things you are worried about point to the future, which is full of uncertainty, and it is when we face an uncertain future that we feel anxious. Plus the fact that your child is not that well, so you will be more worried about him going to kindergarten.
Your anxiety has a function and meaning, it reminds you to prepare for the future and do some preparations in advance for your child’s better adaptation to kindergarten life, such as reading some kindergarten-related picture books with your child, doing more exercise with your child to enhance his physical fitness, and so on.”
I continued, “If you weren’t this child’s mom, would you be anxious? Or if you didn’t care what would happen to your child, would you be anxious?”
“You’re anxious and vulnerable because you’re the child’s mom, you care about the child, you love the child. Whatever we love makes us vulnerable. That’s why there’s that old saying, ‘Raise a child a hundred years old and worry a lot about ninety-nine.'”
By understanding the function and meaning of our emotions, perhaps, we can better embrace them.
For example, anger is a force that gives us the power to assert our boundaries when we are violated by others; it allows us to protect ourselves;
For example, grief is an emotion that often occurs when we are faced with loss, it helps us to complete our mourning and ultimately accept the loss and move on;
For example, fear, dread, and anxiety are emotions that help us to avoid harm, to stay out of danger and harm, to plan ahead, and to protect our living organisms from surviving.
Emotions are messengers that tell us what we care about and value, like the mom in the previous article who was anxious about her child going to kindergarten because she cared about her child.
Emotions are messengers that guide us in the direction of self-growth, telling us: what kind of person we want to be.
There was a graduate student visitor who had been procrastinating about her master’s thesis, knowing that she had to get caught up on it, but she just couldn’t move, and for that reason her heart loathed and disliked her.
I asked her why she was unable to move. She said she was afraid of the difficulty and pain of writing the thesis and worried that she would not be able to write it well. Why did she dislike herself? She said she thought she was too useless, and why she couldn’t accomplish what other students could accomplish.
Her dislike and aversion to herself illustrates precisely the direction of her inner values (the kind of person her heart desires her to be): she wants to be someone who overcomes difficulties, someone who does not run away from pain, someone who can do things well (write a good paper), someone who is useful, someone who is not inferior to others.
Seeing this, we can then go on to transform this part into an incentive rather than an aversion to think and act on ourselves: what can I do to become the person I wish to be, the person I recognize?
Another visitor often thought of a classmate of hers in high school, a girl who was often teased and bullied by other classmates because she dressed in a rather rustic manner and was introverted and non-verbal, and she did not approve of the behavior of those bullying classmates. At that time, she also wanted to stand up for her classmate, but backed off for fear of being ridiculed and attacked by her classmates.
When she went to college, she heard that this same deskmate later became depressed. Although she could not be sure if her depression was related to being bullied by her classmates, this visitor was still ashamed that she did not stand up for the other person at that time and stop them when they were being thrown homework books and bullied by other classmates.
Her shame was actually a reminder not to be an indifferent bystander, a reminder to be brave, to be brave enough to say what she wanted to say and do what she wanted to do.
Emotions are an expression; there is no good, bad, right or wrong emotion per se; any emotion has its own function and meaning.
If we can listen to our emotions more often, we will become a person who is more in line with our expectations and will become a person we recognize more, which will lead to less inner conflict and a higher level of satisfaction and happiness with our lives.
Instead of fighting our emotions, we need to learn to accept our emotions, but accepting our emotions doesn’t mean we don’t need to regulate them and let them control us.
Through a wide variety of social news, we will see how serious the consequences are for many emotionally out-of-control people who engage in behaviors that harm themselves and others.
In counseling, whether working with adults or minors, when it comes to expectations of parents, many people will tell me that they want mom and dad to be emotionally stable, not to lose their temper, and not to fight and argue.
Learning to make peace with our emotions is a lifelong lesson and practice.
Next I will share some simple and practical ways to regulate emotions, which are based on the principle of acceptance of emotions, the principle of brain science, the principle of connecting mind and body, the way to regulate our emotions by relaxing our body, and the way to regulate our emotions through positive thinking. Maybe you will find the right way to regulate your emotions from them.
1、Countdown method
This method is better for regulating anger and angry feelings. When you feel your anger to attack, to begin to say very difficult words to others, to make some very rude behavior, but these words and behaviors on their own or things do not help, you need to restrain their anger, you can try to count in your mind, can be counted from 1 to 10, if the emotion is still very excited, you can do it again.
When we count, the rational brain will return, the emotional brain will slowly calm down, our emotions are also due to the transfer of attention to get some regulation.
2、Emotional Observation Method
In many movies and TV shows, when the main character is nervous or excited, we will see them do deep breathing.
TV shows do not lie, facts show that deep breathing can effectively regulate our emotions. When you are angry or feel nervous when you need to speak in public, you can focus on your breathing to regulate your emotions, inhale deeply through your nose, exhale slowly through your mouth, expel all the waste gas in your body, and then inhale fresh air to stabilize yourself with your breathing.
Sometimes just a few deep breaths can ease our emotions. Breathing is an anchor. Feeling our breath regularly can help us gain inner stability.
I would like to share with you the “Three Breaths” technique.
In the first breath, pay attention to your breathing and feel how you exhale and inhale.
The second breath is to relax your body. You can try to relax your body while breathing, for example, by lowering your shoulders and relaxing your back to remind yourself to relax your body.
Third breath, while breathing, ask yourself: what is most important to me at this moment. It can help you get to the point and grasp the moment.
3、Exercise
Many people go for a run when they are angry or feel unhappy, and the negative emotions get out.
Studies have shown that exercise is a good antidepressant. Exercise can secrete dopamine, as a neurotransmitter, it is closely related to the control of behavior, motivation to act, cognition, exercise is also conducive to people to improve our self-control and concentration, but also to improve immunity and sense of well-being. In addition, exercise is also conducive to improving the quality of sleep.
Exercise process, you can also vent bad emotions, such as you go hiking, see the beautiful scenery, climb to the top of the mountain to the mountain “ah ah ah ah, feed feed feed” shouting, after the mood will be much better. When playing badminton, while playing and shouting out, negative emotions can also be vented and relieved.
Studies have shown that even 10 minutes of exercise a day will play a good role in human emotional regulation, physical and mental health.
So choose a favorite sport, walking, running, playing ball, jumping rope, jumping aerobics …… can be, active exercise it, to help themselves reap the benefits of a healthier body and mind.
4、Expanded method: The three-step method for taming bad emotions.
Awareness: Please take a few seconds to scan your body from head to toe and notice all the sensations of those emotions such as fear, dread, anger, etc. What do you feel in your forehead, eyes, chin, mouth throat, neck, shoulders, hands, chest, back, hips, legs and feet each? Shift your attention to the part of your body that feels the most intense and observe the feeling like a curious scientist.
Acknowledge and name the feelings: name your feelings in a few simple words to acknowledge their existence, you can say to yourself, “I notice fear,” “This is tension (stress, anxiety).”
MAKE SPACE: Take slow, deep breaths. Exhale first, squeezing all the air out of your lungs, a little at a time, and then inhale deeply, feeling your lungs slowly fill up. Do it again. Then as you inhale, direct your breath to how you feel (there’s nothing wrong with that phrase however you interpret it).
Imagine that with each breath you take, a huge space, maybe a big house, maybe a wide lake, a prairie expands open inside you. You open yourself up and create more space for your feelings, a space that can hold your emotions no matter how big they are. You don’t need to like or approve of the feeling, just simply allow it to be there.
Observe your emotions with curiosity, direct your breath over them, and face them with acceptance rather than rejection, all the while making more and more space for your emotions.
5、Stay with your negative emotions for a while, visualize them and talk to them.
When you are entangled in negative emotions, find a quiet space to sit down, close your eyes, feel your emotions, stay with your negative emotions for a while, and allow it to flow through you.
Try to visualize your inner emotions and imagine what it would look like if the negative emotion was something visible.
Everyone sees their emotions differently, some see a hard rock, others see a leaping ball of gas or fire, or a wounded child ……
After you see your emotion, you can try to talk to it and see what it is trying to tell you, and you can also ask it: what are you trying to tell me? Seeing the emotion, talking to it, and understanding the message it is sending, the emotion is free to leave.
6、Stop technique
The STOP technique, which is a positive thinking exercise to improve your mood, can be used when you feel yourself falling into negative emotions such as anxiety and irritability.
The first step S, S means Stop, stop. As soon as you realize you are anxious, tell yourself to stop whatever you are doing. If you can, close your eyes and say “stop, stop” in your mind until you can clearly tell that you are saying “stop”.
Step 2 T. T means Take a breath, focus your attention on your breath and come back to the present moment.You can bring your attention slowly and gently to your breath. With curiosity, savor the feelings that come with each breath and allow yourself to soak in each one, or you can take a few deep breaths. Use your breath to help jump-start your anxious brain.
Step 3 O, O means Observe, become aware of your emotions, feel the sensations in your body, take a step back to see where your emotions are coming from and think about the consequences of letting them control you. Then move on to Observe what you are doing, look up and observe your surroundings, see where you are and what you are doing. Bring yourself back to the present moment by connecting with your present environment.
Step 4 P, P is Proceed, continue, ask yourself what is really important for me to do at hand right now, continue to do what you need to do in the moment or what you think is important.
If you do this positive thinking exercise more often during the day, the more this exercise will help you when anxiety is strong and impulsive.
7、free writing method, “hug myself”
Empirical studies have found that free writing can effectively relieve our negative emotions. I will encourage visitors to write down with pen and paper the events that stimulate their negative emotions, as well as all their inner thoughts and feelings, write freely, write whatever comes to mind, and use words to splash out what they think and feel. Many people like to use this method, this method is very helpful for them to regulate their emotions.
Share a way to write to improve your mood and heal yourself: hug myself.
Write down your feelings with a pen and paper. The first sentence of each paragraph should be in the same format: “Hug myself” as the beginning, and then write whatever comes to your mind until you don’t want to continue writing.
For example: “Hug myself.This week’s work is quite busy, but also to take care of the child with a cold and fever, I feel very tired, I really do not have an easy time, to take good care of yourself, remember to drink more water and go to bed early. Hang in there through this week and hopefully next week everything will be better. Cheer up!”
Anyone will have emotions, our life is a life of joy and sorrow, no one can quit emotions for life, even if we really do so, it is not good for his physical and mental health.
Everyone has negative emotions, have negative emotions is a very normal thing, do not be afraid of their negative emotions, not to mention to avoid and fight it.
What we need to do is to learn to coexist peacefully with our own emotions, know how to regulate our negative emotions, do not let ourselves be driven by negative emotions and impulses to do things that we regret, and to reduce the harm of negative emotions on ourselves and others.
You are the sky, emotions are the clouds in the sky, the sky has dark clouds, there are white clouds, there are also colored by the color of the colorful clouds, the same, you also have their own feelings of joy and sorrow. Emotions are just a part of you, not equal to all of you.
The clouds in the sky are always floating around and changing, and so are our emotions, full of fluidity, when we can accept our emotions, allow it, tolerate it, and say to it, “Hey, there you are, welcome welcome welcome”.
Emotions will come and go naturally.